By Curtis Peter van Gorder At a workshop I attended, art and drama therapist Emily Nash shared an experience she had while working with traumatized children and adolescents at a residential treatment center in the U.S. The boys who attended her class were often combative, prone to negative and self-destructive behavior, and unable to trust adults or even one another. Almost all had histories of severe abuse and emotional neglect. They routinely brought their negative attitudes into the classroom, as reflected in their foul speech and rough mannerisms. Sitting in a circle in typical group counseling fashion, some of them expressed their anger through statements like “I hate being here” or “I hate doing this!” “Fine,” Emily would say, “but why?” She put the question to them one by one. “There’s no respect!” “These jerks laugh at me!” “Nobody listens to me!” “Too many fights!” After listening to their reasons, Emily replied, “What I am hearing is not that you hate this class exactly, but that you hate living in a community where people don’t respect or trust one another, make fun of people they don’t like, and fight.” They nodded in agreement as if to say, “At last someone is listening!” “What if,” Emily asked, “we were to create a community where you did feel respected, a community in which your needs were met, a community in which you felt safe? What would that community be like? Let’s create it together!” The boys’ imaginations shifted into gear. “Let’s call it Parkville!” someone called out. Everyone agreed. Parkville developed into a six-month project. The class made a banner that read: Welcome to Parkville—Where all your needs are met! They drew a map of the town, including points of interest that reflected what they wanted in their community. They elected and appointed people to fill various roles in the town: mayor, superintendent of the school, director of the arts center, owner and chef of the community café, manager of the video store, and many more. They created special events. They found solutions to Parkville’s problems in town hall meetings. Parkville became a community that they all said they would love to live in. Many expressive art projects were born from the creation of this imaginary idyllic town. The first step was to draw the young people out by asking questions and listening carefully and respectfully to their answers, even though they came across quite negative at first. The next step was to challenge them to make a difference by channeling their energy into constructive projects that interested them. Emily explains Parkville’s success: The project gave these young people an opportunity to experience living in a well-functioning community, many of them for the first time, even if only while they were together at the center. Their community became one in which there was support, where they could express their needs and others would listen and respond, a community built on mutual respect and care, a community of possibility. In role-play they found that they could be effective citizens and had something to contribute. Self-imposed limitations were stretched, and new strengths and capacities were accessed. An adolescent who was engaged in destructive behavior was transformed into a leader, a caring father, a resource to the community. Various methods are being used today to reach youth through their own interests, such as sports programs, art and drama therapy, and community projects. Through these, young people can acquire lifelong skills and a positive self-image. When we help them identify goals and find ways to overcome the obstacles they encounter along the way, we help them realize their potential. Curtis Peter van Gorder is a member of the Family International in the Middle East. Emily Nash is a licensed therapist with The ArtReach Foundation, an organization that trains teachers from regions affected by war and natural disaster in the use of creative and expressive arts therapy. Article courtesy of Activated Magazine.
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By Megan Dale It was 6:30 am. I had gotten up to go to the bathroom, only to be met by the sight of a rained-out world on a day our extended family had planned to go on an outing together. I didn’t mind the rain much. Heaven knew our bit of Southern California needed it. On my way back to bed I paused and looked out into our garden to see a fat little brown bird hopping around, eyeing the soggy earth in hopeful expectation of finding a meaty feast in the form of a hapless almost-drowned worm. At the moment I felt like that poor worm. The months previous had seen dark clouds slowly gathering over our little family. Our young son was facing developmental delays that affected his happiness on a daily and sometimes hourly basis in the form of frustrated, heart-wrenching tantrums. He often even awoke in the middle of the night crying out. When he was himself, he was a sweet, sensitive, affectionate, and delightful little boy. But we needed to know more about his challenges so we could better meet his growing needs, and we needed to know now, while he was still young and malleable, before the secondary and sometimes more tragic effects of low self-esteem and depression entered his tender little life as a result of his challenges. To make matters even more challenging for us, four days earlier my husband and I had received the news that his place of employment would not be available for much longer, and as a result we would have to find a new job and a new house. In the past I had always leaped with dizzy anticipation into the arms of an unknown future, hopping the globe and chasing my destiny wherever the breeze seemed to blow me. But now I cowered in the face of such a major change coming right at this crucial time in my son’s life. Four days had seemed like four years as I clung hour by hour to some straw of hope, usually in the form of a Scripture or quotation, in the midst of the deluge. So many great men and women down through the ages faced dark and trying times, and lived to write anecdotes or poems or hymns about them, and I clung to each one now. Sometimes I quoted one line over and over, like a mantra, just to keep my presence of mind as I continued to care for my children and tend to household duties. It was working, too. Standing in my doorway, looking at that little brown bird, I heard the voice of comfort I have come to know so well as my Savior’s. “You’re not the earthworm, dear, but the bird. The rains and storms that I have allowed to fall on your world have provided for you a feast that you would otherwise have to dig for.” Suddenly my perspective changed. Jesus was bringing about a spiritual feast in our lives through this seemingly dark and dreary time. Treasures we would normally have to dig for were coming to the surface, the special gifts of greater closeness to each other, greater love and appreciation for our friends and family, and a fervent desire to commit my daily needs and fears to Jesus in prayer. Has the rain stopped? Not yet. Many challenges still lie ahead of us on all fronts. But we will remain bright and happy little birds even through the rain, because odd as it may sound, we’re feasting on worms! P.S.: As if on cue, the day after my rainy day revelation, our neighbor’s eight-year-old bounded up to me and held out a handful of wiggly worms. “There’s tons more in the leaf pile if you want some,” he suggested. That’s okay. I’ll stick with the metaphor. ***** Shaken by Life’s Changes Helping our children through their growing pains changes us nearly as much as it does them. When those dearest to us go through upheavals, it affects us too. We can’t escape changes, but we can learn to make the most of them. Here’s how: § Identify the issues. Separate the aspects you have some control over from those you don’t, and commit all aspects to God, who is ultimately in control of everything. § Understand the issues. Differentiate between the practical aspects and the emotional, and deal with each accordingly. Together they may seem overwhelming, but individually they are usually manageable. § Keep an open mind. What you’ve been doing or the way you’ve been doing it may have worked reasonably well so far, but there may be better alternatives. § Enlist God’s help. Circumstances may overwhelm you, but God cannot be overwhelmed. “There are some things that people cannot do, but God can do anything.” That’s the God factor. § Stay positive. Focus on the opportunities, not the obstacles. § Find and give support. Communicate and find ways to make things work out to everyone’s advantage. § Be patient. Progress is often a three-step process—one step back and two steps forward. § Think long-term. “He [God] who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.” My daughter is almost three years old, and she's started something new: the "Mommy, I'm scared" phase. For example, she has become frightened of dogs—even our docile old family dog—and she asks questions like, "Does the dog have sharp teeth?" and "Do dogs eat little girls?" Even the sound of a dog barking in the distance is enough to send her running indoors. No amount of reassurance seems to help. How can I help my little girl overcome her fears?
Fear can be a serious problem for anyone at any age, but especially for young children because their frame of reference is quite limited and they haven't yet developed the reasoning capability to determine which fears are rational and which are irrational. It takes prayer, patience, understanding, and wisdom on the part of parents to know how to help their children learn to deal with fear. One point to keep in mind is that some fears are normal, rational, and healthy. Some are with us from birth, such as fear of loud noises and fear of heights. Other rational fears are learned through experience. For example, a child who has been stung by a bee is likely to be afraid of bees. Other rational fears are learned through parental warnings, such as fear of hot stoves, sharp knives, and moving cars. On the other hand, irrational fears, such as fear of imaginary monsters, don't have any basis in the material world. Many childhood fears fall somewhere between the rational and irrational, and they are usually linked to a particular phase of the child's mental and emotional development as he or she is exposed to new experiences and learns to reason and exercise imagination. It's very important not to make light of children's fears, as that won't make them any less fearful; it will only add a level of shame and low self-worth to the difficulty they are already facing. To make them feel that it's wrong or that they're being bad when they're afraid, as though they had a choice in the matter, will only compound the problem. The first step to helping children overcome their fears is to take the matter to Jesus in prayer. Ask Him to fill your child with the light of faith to overcome the darkness of fear. Also pray an upbeat prayer with the child, focusing on God's faithful, loving care. Because every child and every situation is different, it helps to ask Jesus to show you what to do to help your child overcome the fear. He can show you the cause of the problem, the best solution, and how to present it to the child. For example, He may show you to relate a similar situation that happened to you when you were small, when everything turned out fine. Or He may tell you to read your child a story in which someone overcame a similar fear. He will probably also remind you to not expect overnight results. Weaning children from irrational fears takes time, but love and prayer never fail. Misty Kay
My nine- and ten-year-olds came whining to me again. "Mommy, Chalsey's taking all the LEGO blocks!" "Davin always gets the best pieces!" Kristy, my five-year-old was crying. "It's not fair. I want to build an airplane, but they don't want to." This had been going on all afternoon. It was one thing after another. No matter how many toys they had, they couldn't have fun. Something was missing. I shot up a quick prayer for an illustration that would help us to get a grip on the problem. "Who likes plain, dry pancakes?" I asked. The kids froze and looked surprised at my sudden change of subject. "Who likes plain pancakes with nothing on them—just dry, get-stuck-in-your-throat pancakes?" "Not me!" they all cried in unison. "I see. So when you asked me to make pancakes yesterday, you didn't want plain pancakes. You wanted pancakes and pudding." It had been a special Father's Day breakfast of hot pancakes smothered in creamy white chocolate pudding. It was a melt-in-your-mouth treat. "And when you say you want to play with toys, you don't mean you want to play with plain toys, any more than you wanted plain pancakes. It was the pudding that made it special. Your friendship is like the pudding. Without the friendship, the game is no fun. Even if you got every LEGO piece you wanted, your playtime would still be dry. No fun. What makes it special is when you all play the game together. That's when you really have a good time. You need 'pancakes and pudding.'" The children understood the illustration perfectly and decided to play a game together. It worked like magic. We were stuck in the house for the next few days due to bad weather, but no one seemed to mind. The children played with every game and toy in the house. Any time tempers flared, I'd tell the kids, "The pancakes need some more pudding." As I thought more about it later, I realized that lesson wasn't only for my children. I sometimes work so hard to accomplish the goals I set for myself, and view everything else as a distraction. "I need to do this! I have to get that done!" I want plain, uninterrupted work time, and then I wonder why my work feels so dry and unenjoyable. How often we all try to eat our pancakes dry. We put such an importance on things we need to do that we forget that pancakes aren't enjoyable without a topping. We can't let our work or play crowd out the friendships that make our lives complete. So if you find that your day is crowded with worries, stress, and work upon work, if you feel you've lost that spark, if you're feeling a little dry, perhaps all you need is a heaping scoop of sweet, fresh "pudding" to make your day complete. By William and Martha Heineman Pieper, Ph.D., Web reprint All parents occasionally become angry with each other in the presence of their young children, but if you manage to maintain a reasonably pleasant atmosphere until you are alone, you will spare your child from dealing with relationship complexities for which he is developmentally unprepared. However, if, in spite of your best intentions, a quarrel breaks out in front of your son, stop the hostilities as soon as you can and reassure your son by saying, “We’re sorry we upset you—we know it’s hard for you when we argue. Mommy and Daddy love each other even when we fight, and we both love you all the time!” There is a popular but mistaken notion that “real life” unpleasantness will strengthen the character of the young. In reality, their developmental immaturity prevents young children from defending themselves against the emotional pain they feel when things go wrong. So parental arguments and other painful events leave young children more—rather than less—vulnerable to stress. On the other hand, if you do shield your son from distressing experiences in general, and especially from the pain of witnessing you and your spouse fighting, over time he will learn to develop an abiding optimism about his world and his ability to have the harmony and love that he wants and needs. As he grows older, this positive outlook will give him the strength and resilience to respond effectively to the challenges of everyday life. So the next time you feel angry in your child’s presence, try to remember that what feels like an everyday blowup to you feels like a nuclear explosion to him, and do your best to contain your anger until you are alone. It will be easier if you realize that in this way you nourish your son’s emotional well-being as surely as you care for his physical health by keeping him out of the street and away from the stove. “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” * From the very beginning, strive to promote an atmosphere of honest, open communication with your children. Encourage each child to feel free to honestly share what is on his heart with you. Of course, it’s very important to avoid reacting in a critical, condemning or condescending way to a child who is pouring out his heart, confessing a mistake or sharing a fear etc.—if your child meets such a negative reaction from you, he will probably have second thoughts before sharing his heart with you next time. “Special times” of open-hearted discussions, combined with lots of loving embraces, greatly assures young children of our love and genuine concern, as we strive to intently listen to and understand them! Your child will never forget such special times spent with you. In most cases, these are the moments that we treasured most when we were children: when our parents invested their love in the form of personal time and attention with us, just talking about things together. Of course, before we can expect our children to be honest with us, we must be honest with them. It greatly encourages children to know that their parents are not exactly perfect. (Besides, you can be sure they’ve noticed!) By your own honest admission of your mistakes and weaknesses, you are setting a good example for them of what honesty and humility are all about, and your children will love you the more for it! As in any kind of honest communication, it can’t be emphasized enough how important it is to be a good listener to the one who is talking. A good, listening parent is not busy reading the newspaper or making a cup of tea while his or her child is pouring out his heart about the loss of a best friend, or communicating his innermost worries and fears. As parents, one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is our sincere interest in them and their problems, as manifested by our undivided attention and uninterrupted listening whenever possible. By the act of simply listening, you are telling your child: “I want to understand and help you. I think you are worth listening to, and i want you to know that I have faith in you. You can always talk to me because I love you.” * Ask questions. (Kids shouldn’t be the only inquisitive party!) When genuinely communicating with children—or with anyone for that matter—asking questions helps to draw them out and shows your concern and interest in them. Get them to talk. When they are asking you the questions, be careful not to philosophize or pretend to be something you’re not. Just stay simple! And don’t offer any advice that you wouldn’t want to practically apply yourself. * Learn to present your advice or answers in ways that are easy for them to accept. Make it “easy for them to be good” by allowing them to think that it’s at least partly their idea too. For example, “I liked your comment on needing to change things a bit. Let’s try your idea!”, or “what do you think about trying this idea?”, or, “haven’t you found that this works better?” * When something goes wrong, it’s important not to be too quick to judge a matter. There are always at least two sides to every story, and it helps greatly to hear all sides from all those who are involved. Most of us have made the grave mistake of making a snap judgment or acting impulsively, resulting in a child being unjustly accused and deeply hurt. A mother could hear a crash in the room, and run in to find her young daughter in tears beside a shattered vase on the floor. To immediately whack the child with no explanation adds insult to injury, when by merely asking what happened first, the child could explain that she was attempting to stop the cat from climbing on the table, trying to shoo it away, when the cat knocked the vase over, not she! We should forgive our children and be as fair and merciful with them as possible. But by continually passing quick harsh judgment on them, our children could easily lose such trust and confidence in us.—and could wind up being afraid to confide in you and confess things that they really are guilty of or need help with! Excerpted from the writings of D.B. Berg. © The Family International. Used with permission. Héctor Medina My grandpa used to say, "If you see well-behaved children, you can be sure that someone is using both hands in bringing them up—the right hand of love and the left hand of discipline." In the 25 years that I have been a teacher, that maxim has been a cornerstone of my daily interactions with my students. Perhaps you've heard the analogy that likens youngsters to small plants. Plants need water and sunshine, but they also need attention in the form of fertilizing, pruning, fumigating, transplanting to larger pots, etc.—attention that requires work on the part of the gardener and can be a temporary shock for the plant. In the case of young people, that means giving them tender loving care first and foremost, while not neglecting the other things that are necessary parts of character building, like providing a healthy environment for their social development and emotional and spiritual growth, setting limits, teaching them to take responsibility for their actions, and allowing them to learn through suffering the consequences of their own poor decisions, if necessary. These more difficult aspects of parenting and mentoring are usually also the ones that are the most difficult for young people to accept, especially in the beginning, but we owe it to them and to God, to whom they and we will ultimately need to give account of our lives. There is a lot of talk these days about troubled teenagers and the exponential impact they have on society as their influence spreads to their peers, younger children, and eventually their own children. And the same questions keep being asked: How did we get in this state? And how do we get out? Can we steer our ship back on a godlier course, or is it too late? I believe there is always hope, with God's help, because all things are possible for Him (Matthew 19:26). But He can't and won't do it alone. He needs us parents, teachers, and other adults to be mentors and role models for our young people. Our part is to buck the trends of passiveness, permissiveness, and a general lack of definite moral standards that sadly have become norms in parenting and education today. But if we will each do what we can, God will do what we can't. He will bring about the inward changes that our children need and help them want to do their part, to do the right things with the right motivation. With time, they can become forces for positive change themselves, but it starts with us adults. We need to take the reins—with both hands. Love has creative power, and in the home love does its magic by engendering unselfish acts and helping each family member see the others in a positive light. Everyone wants to be understood, accepted, and loved for who he or she is, and the home is a God-created environment where these things can thrive. There are also things that work against love in the home—enemies of love, if you will. Disagreements between children and parents and sibling rivalries are a couple of the obvious ones, but there are other problems that are more subtle and therefore even more dangerous—selfishness, laziness, indifference, criticalness, nagging, taking each other for granted, and thinking and talking negatively about one another, to name a few. These usually begin with small, seemingly innocent incidents—finding excuses to not help out, squabbles over petty issues, little putdowns and sarcastic remarks—but unless you recognize these as attacks on your family’s love and unity, they will develop into bad habits that will take a terrible toll on your family. It’s not enough to simply save the moment by sending the feuding parties to their separate corners, silencing the sarcastic, or pressing the shirker into service. That’s dealing with the symptoms, not the root problem, which is a lack of love. The only thing that will cure a lack of love is love itself, so ask God to bring more love into your home. Then cultivate that love through loving thoughts, words, and actions. *** Children remember things very clearly and are directly affected by their parents’ attitude and how their parents feel and think about them. So if you’re constantly speaking faith and positive things about your child, either to him or to others, and if you’re thinking positive things about your child, this will have a good, faith-building, positive effect on your child, and he’ll become more like what you think of him and expect from him. But if you are thinking or speaking negatively about your child, either directly or indirectly to him, it will have the effect of making him think negatively about himself and hinder his happiness and self-esteem, his performance, and the way he sees himself. Faith begets more faith; positive attitudes foster more positive attitudes in both yourself and those around you. It takes faith in someone to bring out the best in them. © Aurora/The Family International. Used with permission. Through the ages, parents have shared a common bond: the great love and concern they have for their children. They want to see them learn, grow and be well cared for. They want them to be healthy, happy and successful. Yet so often, life’s problems have blocked the way or made the task of parenting more difficult. Parents have had to learn how to cope with every difficulty, both inside and outside the home, from devastating losses and hardships to breakdowns in their marriages. They had to try to find solutions to each new set of problems, and survive and help their children make it. Often in their most desperate hour of need, the darkest hour, when things seemed totally impossible, when there seemed to be no solution and no way out, many looked to Heaven for help. They looked to God for answers when they had no answers. And they were not disappointed. He was there—ready, waiting, reaching out for them with His loving arms, embracing them as their own Heavenly Father, watching, protecting, always ready to answer, always ready to help.
In these difficult times in which we live, He is still there, He is still waiting. Many parents are discovering that they, too, can take their most difficult questions directly to God. They can appeal to Heaven for answers. They can find solutions, right now. It may seem pretty “way out there,” almost ridiculous to some, but amazing things are happening! People are calling out to God and are discovering that He is close at hand and always ready to answer our questions, because of His great love for us, and His desire to see us happy. So if you feel like you’re in the dark, weighed down by heavy burdens, and no one on earth seems to have any answers, don’t give up! There’s still hope. You, too, can get the answers to your problems straight from the halls of Heaven. Help is there. It’s available and within reach. It’s within your reach right now. Excerpted from the book "Parenteeing", part of the "Keys to Parenting" series by Derek and Michelle Brookes. © Aurora Productions. Used with permission. Go with me to a crowded courtroom in a city in the northeastern U.S. A boy about sixteen years of age, who has been accused of stealing an automobile, stands before the judge, awaiting sentence. In a chair nearby, a mother sobs hysterically. An attorney has just testified that the young offender has been a constant nuisance to the community. Previously the chief of police had told how the boy had been arrested on numerous occasions for stealing fruit, breaking windows, and committing other acts of vandalism.
Now the stern, coldeyed judge, glaring over the rims of his spectacles, launches into a bitter tirade against the youth, reminding him of the dire consequences which will result from his lawless acts. Every word from the thinlipped judge is like the crack of a whip, as he mercilessly berates the defendant for his irresponsible conduct. He seems to be searching his vocabulary for the cruelest words he can find with which to humiliate the lad who stands before him. But the boy does not cower before this bitter tonguelashing. His attitude is one of reckless defiance. Not once does he lower his eyes from the face of the judge. With compressed lips and flashing eyes, he glares at his persecutor. When the judge pauses for a moment to let his words take effect, the boy looks him straight in the eye, and from between clenched teeth come the words, “I’m not afraid of you.” An angry flush spreads over the face of the judge as he leans over his desk and snaps out, “I think about the only language you can understand is a six-month sentence in reform school.” “Go ahead and send me to the reform school,” the boy snarls. “See if I care.” The feeling in the courtroom is tense. Spectators look at one another and shake their heads. “That kid is hopeless!” an officer has just remarked. All of the invectives hurled at the boy have served only to stir up a deeper feeling of hatred and resentment in him. The scene is much like that of a lion trainer jabbing at a caged beast with a pointed stick, with every thrust goading the victim to renewed fury. At this point the judge spies among the spectators a young man from a nearby town, the superintendent of The Golden Rule Farm for problem boys. “Mr. Weston,” he says, in a tone of weary resignation, “what do you think of this boy?” The gentleman in question steps forward. He has an air of assurance that immediately commands respect, and a kindly look in his eyes that makes you feel that here is a man who really understands boys. “Judge,” he says quietly, “that boy isn’t really tough. Underneath that bluff of his he is completely and thoroughly frightened and deeply hurt. My belief is that he has never had a chance. Life has been bewildering to him. He has never known a father’s love. He has never had the hand of a friend to guide him. I’d like to see him given a chance to show what he’s really worth.” For a moment the courtroom is quiet. Then the silence is suddenly broken by a stifled sob, not from the mother, but from the boy! The kind, sympathetic words of Mr. Weston have broken him completely. There he stands with shoulders drooped and head bowed, as tears slowly trickle down his cheeks. One kind word has reached the boy’s heart, whereas a half-hour of denunciation had served only to make him the more resentful. The judge coughs to hide his embarrassment and nervously adjusts his spectacles. Then the chief of police, who had testified against the lad, slips from the room, followed by the attorney. After a moment of deliberation, the judge turns to Mr. Weston and says, “If you think you can do anything with the boy, I’ll suspend sentence and turn him over to you.” The conclusion of the story is that the lad was given into Mr. Weston’s charge, and from that time forth he caused no more trouble. The friendly gesture of the man who had come to his defense that day in the courtroom had put his feet on a new path and helped to bring out those finer qualities of character which no one previously thought even existed. —Adapted from Clarence Westphall |
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